We Are All The Inventors

I recently heard on the radio that the Smithsonian has created a new exhibit showcasing American inventions. According to their website, “This story is told through many of our collections, revolutionary or mundane, from the light bulb to the can opener.”

Included in this collection is this guy:

That's right, the world's first frozen margarita machine. Pretty cool, if you ask me. I mean, how many dudes who never had a chance in hell before 1971 have gotten laid because of the sweet, boozy, lady slaying confections that pour out of these things? I'm gonna go with lots of dudes.

Interestingly, this was invented right here in Texas, and can, in fact, be verified as such. I'm not entirely sure how Texans process the knowledge that something can actually be proven to be a Texas invention, considering the fact that they seem to truly get off on completely fabricating portions of history to make it look like most of the world's great creations were birthed here. Sorry guys, but you did not invent the hamburger, nor the personal computer, nor bicycles, nor football, singular stars, Mexican food, horses, live music, or the concept of bigness. But the frozen margarita machine... that's pretty major.

Incidentally, if you'd like to take credit for some of the things we came up with in California, I'm sure none of us would mind. Plastic surgery, rollerblades, muscle pants, Gold's Gym (now headquartered in TX, so that kinda counts), traffic, gargantuan mansions built on totally unstable mud cliffs over the ocean, movie-star governors, smog, super shitty pop-punk bands, and bros are all up for grabs in the claim game.

No Really, We Couldn't Be More Proud

Now don't get any crazy ideas just because I listed a bunch of lame stuff from Cali... I still think California is the greatest state in the nation. But hey, I'm obviously biased. And to be fair, I've only been to 45 states. Any opinions I may have about Delaware, Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Alaska are purely speculative and formed from L.L. Bean catalogs.

You'll have to forgive the low-key and nonvituperative nature of this blog, as I feel like my writing has been hibernating all winter and I'm just now stretchin' out the creaky old bones of thought and scurrility. I'm sure I'll be back to my cranky ol' self any day! Until then, I'm gonna enjoy this spectacular Austin day, sitting at my favorite sidewalk coffee joint, watching the parade of amazing characters, and looking forward to hanging out later with some truly cool Texans.

In the meantime, keep those hands up and lead with your jab. Most of the time.