The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Look Like A Full-On Bag of Douchetools

Basically the hardest thing that I, or any man for that matter, must ever deal with in life is a situation of such great import, such weighty magnitude that only a small, strong few have truly discovered the way to survive its trying and mettle-testing powers.

I'm talking about where to put your sunglasses when you're not wearing them on your face.

It's a huge issue that many Americans today do not want to admit is real... The never-ending conundrum of how to store your shades when you are indoors, while still looking cool. Fortunately, there are men out there on the front lines, taking the heat for all of us, searching tirelessly for the answer to the greatest question of our time. And I am in awe of the ones who have found the answer.

Now I don't know about you, but I do know that if I were this epically awesome and super badassly cool enough to own shades as aesthetically perfect as these, you bet your sweet sorority ass I'd display them in as many fresh, dope, ill, and, yes, sick ways possible. Shades like this just scream "HIGHLY INTELLIGENT BEING!!!" Forget about the classic styling and sleek lines of a solid pair of Wayfarers, the striking, balanced visual of some unpretentious aviators, or even the total-badass look of a pair of lowrider lokes; if your sunglasses aren't polycarbonite, mirrored-and-shotgunproof-lensed, they're gettin' picked last for kickball.

Don't get me wrong; I do love me some McConaughey... Some McConaughey, mind you. But you know what? I know what a dude learning how to surf looks like. I don't need to see it over and over. Plus, I hate Lance Armstrong. I think there's a connection, right? I might be a bit behind.

But I digress.

Sunglasses. This is for the guys out there. There are only a few acceptable places to store your dark glasses when they are not being used. One is right on top of your head. Easy enough. This looks easy and breezy, very California when coupled with a t-shirt or no shirt, very New York when paired with a black turtleneck. Then there is your jacket or shirt pocket. This will make you look very cool in an old-man-badass sort of way, as if that pocket should also be loaded with your softpack of Marlboros, a racing form, and forty percent of your paycheck in cash.

Okay, that's it. The only two places you should ever stash your smoky specs. Now for the unacceptables.

1. As far as "unacceptables" go, this is the closest to being acceptable. Still, it's a bit coke-dealeresque.

2. Your forehead? I'm confused. Why stop there? Why not go all the way up, where you will still look cool, your shades are in no real danger of falling off, and they act as an impromptu headband?

3. Back of shirt collar. This is the method de douche I see most often. I don't understand how it got so popular. First of all, it's in no way a quick and easy thing to do. I had to actually think about it when I posed for this pic. Secondly, I just take issue with this on a philosophical level. Is the front of your person so dope, fresh, and ill that you can't mess up the lines? Are you trying to hide the fact that you have sunglasses? Then why'd you pay $300 for those Oakleys, broheim?

 

4. Back of the head. Wow. This one I really don't get. Are you trying to be funny? Are you trying to frighten people into thinking that you really do have eyes in the back of your head? I'm gonna tell you something right now. You don't. You know how I know? Because I'm flipping you off behind your back and you still haven't gone all MMA on my hippie ass. This method is typically employed by dudes with bicked heads. Lord knows why.


So there you have my take on the storage of your dark glasses. Yes, I feel quite strongly about it, and yes, I did use my lady's shades in the photoshoot, because, why not? I already look like a jackass wearing 'em on the back of my head.