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| No hipsters here, we promise. |
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| My beard infuses my music with the deepest of sadnesses. |
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| Step away from the Salvation Army, dude. |
Yeah, I have a beard. Yes, I think it's a pretty decent beard. I get occasional compliments on it, and though I know all my beard's shortcomings (patchiness, irregular mustachial swooping, sideburn dysfunction), I typically do not point them out and just return a polite "thanks" for the sentiment. However, because I know that my beard is not perfect, I will never, ever become a Beard Snob. Oh, and you wanna know the other reason I'll never become a Beard Snob?
BECAUSE IT TAKES ABSOLUTELY NO WORK, EFFORT, SKILL, OR ANY OTHER AMOUNT OF ANYTHING TO HAVE A BEARD!!!
Perhaps you're asking yourself, "What is a 'Beard Snob'? Where do I find "Beard Snobs'? Why does Dave so vehemently disdain the 'Beard Snob'?!?" To which I would, to be thorough, answer you in three parts:
1. A Beard Snob is any guy who has grown a beard and has subsequently elevated himself mentally to a position of some abstract superiority.
2. A Beard Snob can be found in pretty much any city with a vibrant live music scene and/or university. It is difficult to locate Beard Snobs in locations where beards are actually useful, such as the shores of Lake Baikal or the deck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
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| Hi, when I'm not writing songs about horrifying maritime disasters, you can find me on NBC's Parks and Recreation, shining shoes.* *not really |
3. I disdain the Beard Snob because I have a beard, and I know that I really did nothing special to obtain it. Beard Snobs are basically the fashion manifestation of überpatriots, those people who are ridiculously proud of their nationality, though they had absolutely nothing to do with their particular nation's greatness nor the fact that they were born there.*
*Yes, this is a cruel comparison, and I do apologize (just a little bit).
Alright, alright, so maybe I'm being a bit harsh. Maybe these guys are all just as well-intentioned as I am. Maybe I need to be less judgmental and realize I'm just as big of a hipster as the next guy. Maybe I should lighten up.
Fine, I'll lighten up! But I won't shave! Shaving my beard would decrease my high level of insane awesomeness.
