Any time I'm feeling a little unsure about the level of human intelligence and the American people's ability to construct thoughts of pure, unadulterated wisdom, I make a trip to The Wal-Mart and read the t-shirts. It's very reassuring. I always leave with a sense that our great country will, in fact, maintain her standing as the leader of the free universe, the benchmark for all that is good and holy and chaste, and the shining polestar for all others to fix upon in their travels through their sub-par, sub-American lives.
I admit, there is also a certain amount of humility I must accept when musing upon the cosmic level of cleverness I find on these shirts. I must grapple with the fact that I will never possess the level of insight and biting wit required to come up with these catchphrases. Yes, at times it stings a bit, but at the end of the day I sleep easy knowing that although I do not have the skills to impart the sage sapience this world needs, there are people out there who do. I embrace the progression of man at any cost to myself.
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| Yeah, helping people is Socialism! |
Obviously, if you have purchased this shirt, you're the kind of person who does really important stuff all the time and can't be bothered by some dumbass's need for assistance. There's no way in the realm of reality that the other person's problem is more important than what you've got going on. I mean, you've got flyers to print up for the church's fund-raising semi-automatic rifle raffle!
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| Apparently, it means more if each line is a different color and/or highlighted by a spooky glow. |
We all know that the more sarcastic you are, the smarter you are. And we also know that the more outspoken you are about your sarcasm, the more sarcastic you must truly be. And if you wear your sarcasm on a t-shirt, you have transcended the highest levels of earthly sarcasm and entered a truly heavenly one. This level is most supreme, because not only can you compete sarcastically with all the other teabaggers who are in heaven, you get to drive a golden Hummer.
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| Don't bother me, I'm eating. A lot. |
My favorite part about this shirt is the fact that the fat redneck wearing it is probably yelling at some homeless mother to "Get a job, you worthless commie!"
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| Can't go wrong with the mind-blowing comedy of the two-thumbs-pointed-at-your-chest gag! |
I think it's great that a graphic designer who doesn't know there's an apostrophe in "LET'S" gets to have a job. But I digress. The beauty of this shirt does not lie in the casual grammar but in the freedom it gives to all its viewers to truly get down. After T-Dogg showed up at the frat party in this genius tee, the boring little get together transformed into a fiesta that made Carnival look like nothing more than a third-grade Halloween social.
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| BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AD INFINITUM |
Do you see what they've done here? They've taken a chimpanzee and dressed it up like a rapper. Comedy Gold. Big, fat ropes of Comedy Gold.
I definitely feel even better now that I've critically studied these works of art than I did when I first saw them. It's really exciting to see that our collective creative mindset is as forward-thinking and barrier-crushing as it is. Paris, Mexico City, Tokyo... They got nothing on us!
Thank you, Wal-Mart. And thank you, America.
